Happy Anniversary or not…

I joked with my husband yesterday that I will have to spend the rest of my life being disappointed. It was our 3 year anniversary. I went all out, I planned everything, I made dinner, and desert, I got him a gift, and even arranged for my mother to take the baby for a few hours so we could sit home and watch a movie uninterrupted. A lot of people might think we wanted grown up time but we just wanted to watch a movie. It’s sad.

So, anyway, here I am, working my butt off, and I look over at my husband and say: “You better realize how lucky you are; a lot of women expect dinner, movie, flowers and chocolates for their anniversaries.” He didn’t really reply. You see – I didn’t get a gift. It hadn’t arrived yet, he knew that it hadn’t arrived and he didn’t bother to pick up anything else for me. NOTHING! I know it’s not about things, I just wish he would find a way to show appreciation for all of the things that I do every day. I wish he would find a way to show me that I do matter, that I am more than just a cook and a maid and a bedwarmer. My present did arrive today. It’s a lovely locket that I asked for. He picked it out, but I did have to order and pay for it since he doesn’t have a paypal. So it wasn’t even a surprise. I know that it cost $3.00 so I also know that it wouldn’t have been a big deal for him to pick up some flowers. I guess I just have to get over it.

So about the mom part. Having a night without the baby was so so so nice. Don’t get me wrong, I love C, he is the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me and when he laughs and smiles I fall in love all over again. I also had a really hard time not calling my mom every ten minutes to check in with him. I am thinking about maybe letting her keep him over night some time. It might be nice to sleep for an entire evening.

So I know I may sound like a selfish person, but I really did have a nice day, after we left the baby I drove to the park and we took some pictures and walked by the lake. I love spending time with my husband, and really spending time with him really is a gift. I just take it for granted sometimes.

 

My Kind of Town

 

So we’re in Chicago. (If you didn’t get the Sinatra reference.) It’s a four hour car drive and the little guy was AMAZING! I can’t imagine him being any better. He took to it really well. However once he got out of the car seat he was not too happy about going back in. He is such a joy. We are here to meet up with some of my moms friends who are really amazing ladies and showered us with gifts. Connor got the coolest little Pooh book that makes noises and moves and he also got a little singing bear that he seems to love!

We went to the Navy Pier today and we went on a speedboat ride. Connor really seemed to like it. He cried when we stopped. The people from the ride were really amazing. They even said they went a little slower since there was an infant on board. Most everyone got cold, but It was so amazing. It is nice to know that I can have a baby and still enjoy things. So many people say that once you have a kid the fun stops and you can’t do anything with a baby but it’s not true. We tossed the little guy in a sling and everything was great!

                          

We  even walked around town in the sling and did a little sight seeing with Uncle C. It was a lot of fun. I think we should do it again.

                            <—Baby Explorer

Just to see you smile…

I’m exhausted and sick. I tried to think of an amazing title for today but I didn’t have any luck. I have a bacteria infection in my nose. It has spread to my ears and throat. It’s pretty gross, and I look kind of like Rudolph. I went to the Dr. yesterday (I actually saw a CAN) and she said it should go away with some antibiotics and a shot but to call if I got a fever or I noticed it spreading. So at about 2AM I woke up shivering and feeling like I was freezing while I had a fever. James thought I was crazy. He turned on my heating blanket for me. I called the Doctor’s office at about 6:30 in the morning and spoke with a nurse. I finally got a call back at about 10:30 when she said to come back in. So, my stepdad drove me in, and I got another shot and a topical ointment. She knows I am breastfeeding because we talked about it, and I usually ask the pharmacist but I was feeling so bad I forgot to ask. So, when I got some ointment for my nose I didn’t think to ask. Though I think part of it was because it was a topical thing, however when I was reading the insert it says to consult if breastfeeding. I am thinking I will call Connors pediatrician in the morning to make sure. I worry so much about him. My mom watched him while I was the the Doctor it was really nice of her, she even kept him until James got home, so I got about an hours nap. That was amazing. She said they had a good time, I don’t know how anyone could not have a good time hanging out with my little guy, he’s pretty spectacular. Especially when he smiles at you. I swear, that is something magical about it. I think you could be having the worst day even and a smile from him would fix everything.

We had a thunderstorm two days ago and he jumped from the noise. So I sat with him on my lap and told him all about lightning and thunder, how it works and makes the noise and I was clapping and making noises and motions with my hands and he got the biggest smile it was so much fun. He smiles in his sleep a lot too. It is so funny, but I love to watch him sleep. He’s so beautiful  handsome. I don’t know what life would be without him and it’s only been 10 short weeks. He is my world. He is asleep now, I need to go and snuggle him and steal some kisses. It’s one of the best things in the world.

 

The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child.  ~Joe Houldsworth

Being a mom is hard… well duh.

 

Some people find being a mother as something that comes naturally. Which for me, it pretty much is. Until it comes time to make decisions. Then I freak out. Vaccines or no vaccines or maybe the delayed schedule. Magazines say that there should be no TV until he’s 2 does that mean I shouldn’t watch TV with him in the room? Is it okay to use disposable diapers sometimes or does it always have to be cloth? Should I teach him to read early or does that really affect the learning process like they say? What about baby sign language? Early potty training or let him tell me when he’s ready?

Making decisions for me is easy, but now I have this whole other person to think about. Screwing up my life is one thing, but he is his own little person. I don’t want to ruin his life. So I have to decide stay at home, or daycare? Part time work or full time, work at home? I don’t think I can make this work on just my husbands salary. I need to bring home money too. I have to “man up” and make these decisions. I have to trust that my natural mommy instincts kick in and I manage to do things right. Trust in my self and pray. I have the support of a wonderful husband, a close family, and some great friends that support me and will probably tell me if they think I am doing something stupid. So at least there’s that.

In the meantime, I am going to try a work at home business. It’s called The Feisty Monkey. I am going to make jewelry and purses. At least to start. I have ideas to grow. I hope it takes off, this will give me the ability to stay at home with my little guy so I don’t have to worry about some of the things that go on when I can’t be around. Wish me luck. I hope this journey doesn’t make me too crazy.

Being Dad

 

 

I want to take a moment to talk about my husband James. He is such an amazing man. Let me start out by saying that he never thought he would get married and he didn’t want to have kids. Before we were married, I let him know that I wanted a child and if he didn’t I couldn’t marry him. He said he would have a kid.

When I found out I was pregnant it was the day before fathers day, so I waited a day and told him. The first words out of his mouth are “We are going to have to sell the house.” My heart sank. He tried to make up for it though, he went to Dr’s appointments with me, he helped around the house, and he didn’t make a big deal out of it when I lost my job. As my pregnancy progressed, he would feel the baby, he read the daddy books, (and passed on a lot of information about my pregnancy to me) and he even took a new dad class. After which he came home and showed me how to swaddle using the dog as a baby.

When Connor came in January I was a little worried. I think James was too. He has never been around little babies, I had to force him to hold his niece when she was born. However I now can not imagine a better dad. He is reading a newborn book, he passes on the information that he thinks important. He gets up in the morning with him so I can sleep a little longer on his mornings off. Two nights ago, he stayed up with him so I could sleep a little. He hold him and cuddles him, they play together (as much as a newborn can,) he bathes him, feeds him, and loves him. He does everything a daddy should do. I think it is so amazing looking over at them and seeing him smile at his son.

I can’t wait to see them grow together.

The Straight Poop.

I have never liked poo jokes, or fart jokes, or other kinds of potty humor. My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years and we still go to the bathroom with the door shut. Poo is not really on my list of things to talk about, it's natural but at the same time it's just icky.

With that being said, I can not believe how many of my conversations these days involve poo. How much he poo's if he doesn't poo. The color, consistency, volume, location, and anything else that you can think of about poo, we talk about it. It is shocking. I try not to be one of those mothers who talks about their baby all the time, but it seems like with my husband there is at least one conversation about our sons poop per day. We can't help it, it has become such a large part of our lives. It is so scary. What happens when it's all that's left?

The NICU

My little man was carted off to the NICU right after birth.The fact that he had to go there was so hard on me. It was the worst when I had to come home without him. All of the baby stuff was here an ready, but no baby. How could I do this? I wondered what I had done wrong to cause all of this to happen to my baby. I wondered what I could have done better, exercised more, eaten less, eaten more, maybe I shouldn't have had that half glass of wine at new years. I tore myself up over it for the first few days before I realized it didn't matter how it happened, it happend and we needed to focus on how to get him home.

 I later found out from a nurse he was in "pretty bad shape." All they would tell me was respitory distress. I missed the chance to do all of the things that I wanted to with my little guy when he was first born. The things they say help bonding. No skin to skin, no attempting to nurse right away, no waiting until the cord stopped pulsing, and I was even scared to give him his name. When he was taken away he was just Infant Male Knoke. We didn't name him until the next day. We thought we knew what we wanted but we wanted to get to know him first to make sure his name fit. We ended up changing his middle name we had wanted Connor Alexander, we ended up going with Connor Ezekiel. Ezekiel means "God Strengthens" and that's what we wanted, a strong little man who could come home to us. When we were finally able to visit over an hour later, he was hooked up to all kinds of tubes.

He had an oxygen tube, feeding tube down his throat, a heart monitor, respitory monitor, blood pressure monitor, areterial line, and an IV line.

Holding him was a procedure. Luckily most of the time we were there we had two amazing nurses, Dawn and Jessie. Erin was great too. I don't know how I would have been able to get through it without them. My babies first nursery was the NICU. This was not what I had expected. My second home became the NICU, this is not what we wanted for our family. We were there for 11 days. It was a celebration every time we progressed a step. Things got muddled as I was there for at least 12 hours a day.I think the progression went something like, he first got out his iv line, then the arterial line, the blood pressure cuff, the feeding tube got moved to his nose, then the oxygen tube, then the feeding tube. The monitor stayed on until he was just about ready to come home. After a few days of him being there, he needed to be treated for jaundice, this was very hard for me becuase I couldn't hold him except for feedings. He did however have the coolest little glasses.

He went from the overhead light inside the cube to the light from underneath that glowed blue. His grandfather (My step-dad) visited him every day before work and during lunch. He recited "Horton Hears a Who" to him when he came. My mom vistied when she could, but my brother was sick and was trying to pass it around. His Grandma D, visted once when we snuck her in, (we were only allowed 4 visitors) and his Grandpa J came and held him once as well. His Grandma M came once and then got sick and couldn't come back. So it was nice to have Grandpa B come and hang out.

His first bath was at the hospital as well.   I got to do it while the nurses hovered to make sure I didn't drown my baby. This had to wait until almost everything was gone, he was down to just his feeding tube and monitors. He only fussed a little when he first went in, but he really seemed to enjoy it, until I took him out and he got a little cool.

Having him there was so hard, I don't know how people can do it for months. I don't think I could have stood it for much longer than I did. They tell you to rest while you can, it's good advice. All I can really say is I am glad they took such good care of him and I am so happy to have him home.

EVERYTHING IS OFF!