I’m scared.

In one hour it will be the 21st. That means Connor will be 8 months old. Where has all of the time gone? Seriously? 8 months old! Something hit me hard tonight; I am a mom! Okay, so I have realized this before, but it’s like wow, things are going good, he’s not going to magically disappear from me. I have my baby and nothing is going to go wrong. I have been afraid since I found out that I got pregnant that I was going to loose my baby. Having gone through miscarriages I just had this overwhelming feeling of fear. I tried to tell myself not to get too attached to the pregnancy because he might not make it, then when it was clear that he was fine, I freaked out because he was in the NICU, then when he came home I was constantly checking his breathing. Now, I have a happy healthy amazing baby. So now, I’m scared – I have to figure out how to be a good mother now! I have had good examples of good mothers in my life, but I am not those people, no matter how similar I might seem. I have to find a way that works for me, strike that- a way that works for us- our family.

We have started some baby sign language. We are starting out with the five recommended signs: Mommy, Daddy, dog, milk, and more. I got some hints and tips from this website: http://www.babysignlanguage.com/ It is amazing and really helpful. We should know in a couple of months if it is working. I’m excited. It will be really cool to have another way to communicate with Connor. Seriously, do the rest of you with babies feel like your heart is going to explode every time you see them?

I just want to make sure that Connor has every opportunity in life, and that he wants for nothing. I’m not saying that I want him to be spoiled, or that he won’t have to work for anything, just that I don’t want him to feel like he missed out on something in life. That is part of why I am going back to school. I want to be able to help provide for my son. I want him to know that he is loved and that he can have the moon if he wants. He’s my boy and I love him, I just hope he will always know how much.

In other news I have 2 great giveaways coming up! I am so so excited about them! So my next piece will be a review as a sneak preview for the first giveaway! Are you excited? You should be! Both of these giveaways will be prize packages valued at over $50! I will be using rafflecopter for these giveaways and I want it to go right, so maybe I will do a mini-giveaway to make sure I know how to work the software, so my 3 current readers, you have some really good odds before this giveaway starts!

We miss you.

 

Things change, people move on to something else or even out of this world. My Grandfather died the evening of July 3, my step-dad is taking it very hard. I can’t imagine losing my father. Either one of them. While my Grandpa didn’t become that for me until I was 14 or so, he was the only Grandfather I have ever known. My mother and fathers dads both passed away before I met them.

We drove down to Tulsa and attended a beautiful memorial service. People said wonderful things, we scattered his ashes in the water off a boat, and we remembered him. Not that we could ever forget.

It’s so strange having him gone. It didn’t really hit me until I was at my Grandmothers house it seemed almost empty without him there. I had just talked to Brian about them coming up for Thanksgiving before we got the news. I wanted Connor to meet his great grandparents. This was not how I wanted it to happen. Connor was so good with all of the time in the car going down there, he was a delight at the memorial service, he sat with Brian and his mom and just at the right time he looked up and grinned. He loved being on the boat and everyone remarked that it is obvious that he was Bill’s great grandson – no other baby would love the water that much. It was just amazing and wonderful. I don’t really know how to say this, I’m not sad that he died, it happens but I just miss him, that’s the part that hurts.

 

My mom wrote something from the family about the Tsa-La-Gi yacht club on her blog. She is more eloquent that I so here it is: http://pastysplace.blogspot.com/2011/09/tribute-of-thanks.html

Longies

Did you know that with all my mothering I have become crafty? I started making some things to make a little spending money. (Spending on C of course.)

So my ETSY is http://www.etsy.com/people/TheFeistyMonkey?ref=si_pr 

I’ve got wool longies on there, soon to be some tutus and more bow holders.

I also have a facebook page. http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Feisty-Monkey/203797902977434

So yeah. Check it out, I am going to have to figure out how to get some links on the side here.

I am really excited. I want to pull it all together, and maybe open up a giveaway here…

Done.

 

So, we’re done having kids. Before James and I were married, we agreed on one. I stupidly secretly hoped that he would see how amazing being a dad is and change his mind. No such luck. He went and had the babymaker fixed so we wouldn’t have any surprises. I’m kind of sad about it.

 

So I’m trying to figure out what to do with an only child. There are so many things that I did with my big brother, I had someone to look up to and I always had someone there for me. When I was scared or had troubles, I had my brother. Connor won’t have anyone. When I die, he will be by himself without a brother or a sister for support. He will be alone. I guess my brothers will need to have lots of babies, so he has support.

 

The other thing is that there are a lot of only children that I see that are pretty much spoiled little brats. They are the only person that their parent has to cater to so they get what they want when they want it. I want him to have everything that he wants in the world, I know there is a way to do it, but I wonder if I have that in me…

 

Really though, I just worry that he will be lonely. I don’t know what it is like to be an only child, I don’t want him to ever feel alone. I think it’s good that I have such a big loving supportive family. I am going to make sure that he knows all of his family and extended family so that he will know that he never has to be alone.

 

I just want him to be happy.

Half.

Last week I got a little upset when we went to the restaurant and the waitress asked if we needed a table for four and a half. I know this is really common and they do it because he’s little and they think he is cute. However the way she said it I think is what set me off. I was just thinking, he is not half a person he may be small, but he’s all here. King Solomon did not come along and have us cut him in half so we could share better. It don’t know why it bothered me, but it did.

Cut to today. I have called my baby half, at least half a dozen times. ‘Guess what baby, you’re half today!” So my little guy is 6 months, and I’ve been calling him half. I think part of it is because when little kids get their half they are very excited about it. Since he has no idea that he should be excited, I am excited for him. What he does know is that he thinks he’s a big boy who doesn’t need a nap today.

While I am excited for him, I am kind of melancholy about it. It feels like time is going so quickly. He’s going to be our only baby and I want it to last as long as possible. There is so much going on in life and I want to treasure every moment.

I’m Bad.

 

I was thinking about it, and I am a judgmental person. I can’t help it. I am one of those people who thinks poorly of other people. I try so hard to be open minded and I fail. It’s mostly about parenting though. I see a mother who chooses to give her child formula, and I think she should have tried harder. Let me clarify I am not talking about mothers who can not breastfeed due to medications, or supply issues. Just the mom’s who don’t want to because it’s “icky,” “too hard,” or just plain don’t want to. I don’t understand why they would not want to give their best effort to provide the best for their child. It drives me crazy. The strange thing is, I feel bad for feeling this way, but I can’t stop myself! I try so hard to be open minded but I just can’t on this topic. I just think why why why would you want to bring an amazing, precious and probably adorable little baby into this world and start out with second best? It just doesn’t make any sense to me!

Breastfeeding did not come easy for us, but we powered through and we have now been going almost 6 months with another 6 months minimum to come! Why? Because I want my son to always have the best. Even if it is hard for me to accomplish. My world isn’t about me anymore he comes first.

Another thing I judge parents on is the way they talk to their kids. I was at the park and there was a kid running around and playing, generally being a kid. His mom was sitting down and relaxing and the kid wanted to run around- I am pretty sure this is what kids are supposed to do at a park. He wasn’t being disruptive or anything; however his mom kept yelling at him. She wanted him to just sit there next to her. He wasn’t in trouble, they showed up after we did, she wanted to rest from their walk and he just wanted to play. It’s not just that his mom wanted him to sit down it was how she said it. She used bad language, and she yelled. She didn’t even start with asking nice or saying please. It wasn’t “J please sit down until I tell you it’s okay to go.” It was “J sit your ass down I didn’t tell you that you could get out of the stroller!” Seriously this kid was one, and the language just got worse from there. I wanted to say something to her but I bit my tongue. I just don’t get it.

 

The other thing that is kind of weird and I don’t know why I feel this way is taking your kid out in a diaper. Nothing but a diaper. It looks kind of trashy. Put a shirt on your kid at least! The sun is bad for your child’s skin, help protect it. Don’t be lame. I also have a problem with fat hairy shirtless men, but that doesn’t have anything to do with parenting. I guess I just think that unless you’re at a pool or in the privacy of your own home, doing yard work, or at the beach you should cover up. I guess I’m prude that way. But seriously and back on topic, dress your kids. Don’t be lazy, In private, let your kid walk around naked for all I care, but when you take your kid outside, at least give some appropriate cover from the elements.

 

Ok so that is it. I am judgey and I feel bad for it. Some things I just can’t make myself being open minded about. I suck.

 

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Birth.

 

I have been thinking a lot about my birthing experience. I wanted a “natural” birth. I ended up needing drugs. It was for my little man, I would have done anything they told me I needed. I am a pretty flexible person, I figured I could roll with the punches, and I did. However, at the end I was a little disappointed. I felt like I didn’t get what I wanted. I didn’t get my “natural” birth.

The more that I think about it, I did have the birth experience that I wanted. I have a happy healthy son. How can I really ask for more than anything than that? What is more natural than doing what is the best for your baby? I can’t think of a thing.

I don’t think there was ever any reason for me to feel bad, or be upset about what happened. I did the natural thing – what was best for my baby. What I really wanted was for him to be here. Where I could hold him and love him, and let him know that he is the most amazing person in the world. I can do that. I do that every day. So to all of the mom’s out there that are worried about a birthing experience, scared about how things will be, relax. Take it as it comes, have an idea but be open to change, because it happens. Just remember, at the end you will have a baby and that is all that really matters.

PS Connor is in a Gerber contest if anyone stumbles across this, vote please!

http://apps.facebook.com/gerbe​rphotosearch/entry/179468/conn​or-.aspx

 

Free stuff:

http://www.facebook.com/mommyscrazy4coupons

She is giving away 5 coupon binders. Enter to win yours.

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