I’m scared.

In one hour it will be the 21st. That means Connor will be 8 months old. Where has all of the time gone? Seriously? 8 months old! Something hit me hard tonight; I am a mom! Okay, so I have realized this before, but it’s like wow, things are going good, he’s not going to magically disappear from me. I have my baby and nothing is going to go wrong. I have been afraid since I found out that I got pregnant that I was going to loose my baby. Having gone through miscarriages I just had this overwhelming feeling of fear. I tried to tell myself not to get too attached to the pregnancy because he might not make it, then when it was clear that he was fine, I freaked out because he was in the NICU, then when he came home I was constantly checking his breathing. Now, I have a happy healthy amazing baby. So now, I’m scared – I have to figure out how to be a good mother now! I have had good examples of good mothers in my life, but I am not those people, no matter how similar I might seem. I have to find a way that works for me, strike that- a way that works for us- our family.

We have started some baby sign language. We are starting out with the five recommended signs: Mommy, Daddy, dog, milk, and more. I got some hints and tips from this website: http://www.babysignlanguage.com/ It is amazing and really helpful. We should know in a couple of months if it is working. I’m excited. It will be really cool to have another way to communicate with Connor. Seriously, do the rest of you with babies feel like your heart is going to explode every time you see them?

I just want to make sure that Connor has every opportunity in life, and that he wants for nothing. I’m not saying that I want him to be spoiled, or that he won’t have to work for anything, just that I don’t want him to feel like he missed out on something in life. That is part of why I am going back to school. I want to be able to help provide for my son. I want him to know that he is loved and that he can have the moon if he wants. He’s my boy and I love him, I just hope he will always know how much.

In other news I have 2 great giveaways coming up! I am so so excited about them! So my next piece will be a review as a sneak preview for the first giveaway! Are you excited? You should be! Both of these giveaways will be prize packages valued at over $50! I will be using rafflecopter for these giveaways and I want it to go right, so maybe I will do a mini-giveaway to make sure I know how to work the software, so my 3 current readers, you have some really good odds before this giveaway starts!

We miss you.

 

Things change, people move on to something else or even out of this world. My Grandfather died the evening of July 3, my step-dad is taking it very hard. I can’t imagine losing my father. Either one of them. While my Grandpa didn’t become that for me until I was 14 or so, he was the only Grandfather I have ever known. My mother and fathers dads both passed away before I met them.

We drove down to Tulsa and attended a beautiful memorial service. People said wonderful things, we scattered his ashes in the water off a boat, and we remembered him. Not that we could ever forget.

It’s so strange having him gone. It didn’t really hit me until I was at my Grandmothers house it seemed almost empty without him there. I had just talked to Brian about them coming up for Thanksgiving before we got the news. I wanted Connor to meet his great grandparents. This was not how I wanted it to happen. Connor was so good with all of the time in the car going down there, he was a delight at the memorial service, he sat with Brian and his mom and just at the right time he looked up and grinned. He loved being on the boat and everyone remarked that it is obvious that he was Bill’s great grandson – no other baby would love the water that much. It was just amazing and wonderful. I don’t really know how to say this, I’m not sad that he died, it happens but I just miss him, that’s the part that hurts.

 

My mom wrote something from the family about the Tsa-La-Gi yacht club on her blog. She is more eloquent that I so here it is: http://pastysplace.blogspot.com/2011/09/tribute-of-thanks.html